A time came when enough was enough. I refused to be confined to religious beliefs, to boxes that society put me in, to my fears of family and friends rejecting me all because I liked women... A time came when enough was finally enough. Here is that time.
Liberating myself
what does it mean to be you?
… and I mean, too truly be yourself?
do you laugh at your own jokes?
do you cry when you’re in the shower?
do you smile at strangers?
or do you like the same sex?
for a lot of individuals,
liking the same sex
is as if we’re walking on a tightrope…
anxious to fall,
scared to take a step forward,
our anxiety building and building and building,
until it’s too much to handle.
for i was once in your shoes…
i was once walking that same tightrope,
and for a very long time,
i didn’t move…
i stayed stagnant
and i just tried to keep my balance.
too scared to go anywhere,
too afraid to let myself fall,
too anxious to let the world know…
i decided that it was easier
to not tell a soul.
but in doing so,
i didn’t realise that the people who i love the most,
i soon began to grow distant too.
not feeling comfortable to be in their presence
because they didn’t know “me”.
they didn’t know the girl who liked women…
i felt as if i couldn’t tell them certain things.
i felt as if i was restricted to look a certain way.
i felt as if i was in a wooden box, unable to breathe.
and so that’s when the walls started creeping in
and the floors started cracking beneath my very feet;
for i was lost…
wondering through a world
that i knew all too well,
yet seemed so distant from;
i kept my secret
close to my chest,
even though i knew it was eating at my own sanity…
at my own peace of mind.
and that’s when my stomach began to churn
and my bones began to shiver…
for that’s when i couldn’t feel my feet anymore;
i just went numb…
yet there was nothing wrong with me.
there is nothing wrong with me.
and as i looked in the mirror
and saw my baggy eyes,
my crazy hair
my distraught mind,
i knew i had to say something.
i knew that by staying stagnant on this tightrope
i was giving up on myself…
i was restricting myself to ever finding true happiness.
and that’s when i knew…
that’s when i knew that it was time to tell the world.
for o’, how i wish i told them sooner…
and as i arch my back,
and curl my lips,
i let the fire inside of me brew;
for here i am…
this is me…
i remember,
i remember this so instinctively
it was as if it was yesterday.
for i walked into my mothers room,
and she was in the middle of straightening her hair.
and i said,
"mumma, i need to tell you something…"
her voice calmly replied,
“yeah my baby?”
and that’s when i let my truth out…
that’s when i finally liberated myself
and gave my eyes the chance to see…
and, she turned around
and said to me;
“you’re disgusting”,
“you’re a disgrace”,
“get out of my face”.
and i remember,
i remember walking out of her bedroom
with my heart in my hands
and my feet tormented
from taking another step on that doomed tightrope.
for i was in agony;
‘did i make the right choice?’
‘should i have told her?’
‘am i really a disgrace?’
and when my best friends came rushing towards me
asking if i was okay,
asking how she reacted,
asking if she accepted me,
i told a lie and said
‘she was a little sad, but she was okay with it’.
for that is what i hoped would happen…
and so i kept repeating it to myself.
i kept saying it
as if i was going to bring it into existence…
and looking in the mirror one day,
tears falling from my eyes,
my heart torn out of my chest
and my sisters no longer by my side,
i was in agony,
i was in pain,
i was yelling and yelling,
yet nothing would come out…
nothing came out.
for my tears were flowing
and my legs went numb,
and that’s when i began to fall…
for that’s when the walls began to press onto me,
and the floor almost at its weakest point…
down the rabbit hole i went.
with my lungs already bruised
and my heart already still…
i knew i had no-where to go…
i knew i was alone.
and on that tightrope i was…
in my own head,
i couldn’t get out…
it was as if i was suffocating myself…
for that was the day
i fell into the ocean’s cold water
and my body forgot how to swim…
for that was when my two worlds collided;
my own heaven
and the trauma that made home within my veins…
and that’s when i said to myself,
what are you doing?
there’s nothing wrong with you!
who cares if you like women?
who cares if you’re bi?
who cares if you’re NOT like the rest of your family?
i just knew,
i just knew there was more for me.
for if this is what your heart desires,
then set her free!
let her spread her wings
and let her power travel far.
and that’s when my mind finally eased
and my heart began to beat that little bit more…
for i remember hearing a saying,
and till this day,
i will forever be grateful for it;
“it’s who you connect with the most.
who can you have those midnight conversations with
and who you have the urge to rip off their clothes.
it’s who awakens the butterflies in your stomach
and doesn’t let them settle until you're theirs.
it’s who puts that stupid smile on your face
and keeps it’s there until the end of time.”
and that’s when my legs began to kick
and my arms began to sway.
for it comes down too who you connect with,
and my loves,
if that is with a woman,
then it’s with woman.
if it’s with a man,
then it’s with man…
either way,
you have nothing to be ashamed of
… for this is your power,
your right,
your vulnerability;
take care of her,
give her guidance,
let her come out of that deep dark cave
and feel the sun on her cheeks…
for we do not belong in a box,
we do not deserved to be labeled,
we cannot be accustomed to another person’s rules.
and so,
with each and every step i made,
no matter how badly it hurt,
no matter how much i wanted it to end,
no matter how much i wished i stayed quiet;
i knew this was the right choice for me…
for looking back upon it all,
i was at my happiest when i was myself…
when i was around the people who knew me…
who knew me
and yet,
who didn’t judge.
who loved the fact that i am open,
who loved the fact that i am bi,
who loved the fact that i am different to society.
and that’s when i found my home…
but not only within myself,
but within the place i live each and every day…
for no-one is going to regret your life.
no-one is going to look back and say,
‘i wish i came out’.
‘i wish i followed my heart’.
‘i wish i chased the partner of my dreams’.
no-one is going to say that,
because at the end of the day,
they’re not in your shoes…
no-one is going to know the pain or happiness you felt,
as you slip away from this world…
that,
that is all up to you…
for if you’re gay,
be proud of it.
if you’re bi,
don’t hide it.
if you’re straight,
be open minded.
for this world is full of unexpected surprises
and only you will know
what makes your heart beat…
for there is no greater reward in life
than being able to hold your partners hand
and take them down the aisle
and say i do…
and as my body remembers how to swim
and i glide through the ocean’s waters,
my feet begin to make their way down the tightrope.
for with each and every step,
i start to feel a part of myself again…
it’s as if the the sun broke through
the layers of the earth,
and began to warm my cold body with its own light.
for here i am,
standing on this tightrope,
swimming through this ripple,
showing a brave smile
for me…
for nobody else,
but me.
for my happiness,
my rights,
my freedom,
has laid within me all along,
i just had to find the strength within myself
to take what was rightfully mine.
and as i look in the mirror for the last time,
with my smile alive,
my heart pumping,
my bones ready…
this is me;
and you can either accept me
or let me free…
either way,
my wings have already taken shape
and here i am,
saying goodbye
to the old me,
once and for all.